Syaoran Li

The new blog is up and running. To get a little up start on traffic I'm posting the new location here for a little while. I'll move over as much of this blog over there little by little. As it stands all the stuff from the Short Stories section is there a long with a few new regular posts. Much more to come.

http://li.flow-right.net/

Goodbye For Now

Hey everyone, just letting you know that this blog will be closing down soon. Not that I've stopped writing or anything but it's time for a fresh start so I'm opening a new blog elsewhere. Thanks to all those who tolerated my ranting and raving over the years. I'll leave the entries on this blog up so people can still browse. See you around.

Poem: Dwell

If only for a moment to allow happiness to warm my soul,
I invite demons to dwell as the days unfold.
If only to hold a thought as pure as love in my heart,
I invite hatred to forever tear me apart.

If only to hold you in my arms for a moment or more,
I invite the weight of the world to crush me to the floor.
If only to say the words ‘I love you’ without a hesitating breath,
I invite sounds of silence to touch my lips till my death.

If only to keep you safe from all that surrounds you,
I invite a thousand lashing whips to consume every ounce of crimson hue.
And if only to save you from all the hatred your heart has bred,
I invite the reaper to claim my soul in your stead.

A Series of Random Events

Life is… interesting. Sometimes when I feel everything is going the wrong way, there is something to remind me that I’m not the only one and that life goes on. I’m always wondering whether what I go through is God being spiteful, or if he Really has a high purpose, or if it’s all just random. However, when these little events occur that seem to be too coincidental I feel as though he’s trying to send me a message and it sets me at ease, even if it’s just for a few moments.
I laid there in the bed listening to this girl screaming and yelling in the other room to her friends about how hurt she was. She had found out her boyfriend was cheating on her and she came bursting in the room crying and yelling. Her words reverberated through the apartment and sank deep into my heart, because every word she uttered in anger, despair, hate and betrayal were words I wished I could express. And as she repeatedly said, “What do I do now?” I felt the urge to walk into that room, look her in the eyes and say, “You move on.”
Those were the words she needed to hear. Those were the words someone needed to hammer into her until she believed them. Those were the words I needed someone to tell me. In the end I didn’t act on my impulse, but as I thought of telling her those words, I ended up telling them to myself. The weights started to lift ever so slightly.
The coincidences did not cease there. Later that day as I sat in an unfamiliar classroom, listening to an unfamiliar lecturer speak of unfamiliar things; he drew a tangent to a very familiar topic. He was speaking of Socrates and of how he was sentenced to death but committed suicide before anyone could lay a finger on him. All of a sudden he started to speak of suicide. His words hit deep. I knew them to be true longer before he ever uttered them but to hear them being spoken by this complete stranger in such a blunt way seemed to make it all the more true. “If you’re 20 or 21 and you’re thinking of suicide you’re a fucking idiot. I mean seriously. There is nothing in your life, financially, socially or romantically that makes suicide an option. Socrates was an old man, and it was either poison himself or be stoned to death. The number one reason people your age commit suicide is because of a failed love affair and I’ll say it again, if you’re thinking of committing suicide over a girl, or guy, you’re a fucking idiot, because trust me, there are a lot and I mean A LOT more fish in the sea my friends and in 5 years, hell 5 months time, nobody is going to even remember what happened. So remember that.”
I sat there and turned to my friend and thought to myself, “Did she talk to this guy before hand and tell him to say these things?” I knew she didn’t but damn, it was as though someone put those words in him mouth just so I could hear them.
So the day ended and I felt as though I took a few very large steps in a much better direction simply by these two seemingly random events, and as I closed my eyes that night I felt no hate, anger, despair or worry. I felt instead at peace with God, the world and all those in it. Well… not All those, but most of them, and that’s a start.

Korn - Kiss

I don't normally post lyrics from other artists unless I have a story to tell at the beginning of it but fuck, these lyrics are just too perfect to mess up with a badly told story, so here it is Korn - Kiss, my song of the month.


Some deny and search for things that never come around.
Do I feel like a fool?
The places I have ran to all my life have disappeared
And I owe this all to you.

I'm feeling like I'm sinking
And nothing's there to catch me, keep me breathing.

What do I have to do?
Why can't this hurt be through?
I'm going head onto
something I know I will fail.
Why can't this kiss be true?
Why won't you please let me through.
I don't understand why you always push me away.

Last thing I will like to do before it go away
is cry there next to you. (Next to you)
Cry and talk about the good old days and where they've gone
and now how much I hate you.

What do I have to do?
Why can't this hurt be through?
I'm going head onto
something I know I will fail.
Why can't this kiss be true?
Why won't you, please, let me through.
I don't understand why you always push me away.

I feel the blood drip of my body as it goes right there.

On the ground.
What am I now?

What am I now?
What am I now ?

What do I have to do?
Why can't this hurt be through?
I'm going head onto
something I know I will fail.
Why can't this kiss be true?
Why won't you, please, let me through.
I don't understand why you always push me away.

Why you always push me away?

The Reasons

An email I sent to a friend who asked me what was going through my head:

A vague understanding? I don't know how to do that. I could try to just say everything that comes to mind:

I feel used, cheated, unfairly treated, cursed, lost, hurt, angry, hateful, spiteful. I feel like the world and God are all against me and are doing all these things just to make me miserable. And they do it in such a way that makes me feel I deserve it for some reason. For something I did in a past life. Was I fucking Hitler in my past life or something?! I feel aggressive, vengeful and violent. I want to hurt someone, badly! I want to drive him to the floor and wale away at his face until there is nothing left but chunks of flesh and bone, and I want to hold her by the throat and slowly squeeze the life from her! I want that pleasure! I can feel it itching at the back of my mind, heart and finger tips. And as I see it playing in my head I see that smile on my face. That smile of satisfaction. I want that smile. I want to know that the last thing she sees on this earth is my face, smiling back as she fades away.

I feel pain. So much pain. It hurts me on a level I cannot grasp with my mind to soothe away. It is forever lingering. I see them holding hands, kissing, being the way we were and I just want to.... *sigh* I spent the day with them and I wondered to myself what he had that I didn't, and I realized that it was nothing. Absolutely nothing. He treats her the same way I did and the more I watched them together the more sick I felt because I kept on being reminded just how horrifyingly fucking beyond the limits and depths of hell UNFAIR THIS WHOLE FUCKING THING IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I think back to when we broke up and then she got together with him A FUCKING WEEK LATER and didn't tell me! And had me there trying to get her back and having to listen to her give fucking excuses like "i'm not ready for another relationship." or "it's too soon" all the while she was FUCKING HIM!!!! People like that don't deserve to live damn it! They need to die! I have to kill them! That's the only way life will be just and true again! I need to find a way! I need for them to pay with their lives!!! I need to be there to see the last breath of live leave their bodies!!!!

I can't breathe. I feel like I can't breathe. I feel i've lost my way. I've lost my mind. I've lost my heart. I am a shell. I am a homunculi. I am Envy and Lust. I am nothing.

I think back to all the times I've loved and never be able to hold onto it. How they have all found the most useless reasons to leave me or never to be with me. R*****, K******, You. You, you. If I had loved you before we broke up, you would have been the worst. The most useless excuse. K******, never even gave me a chance. Instead, I'm her lap dog and quick hit whenever she's feeling horny. R*****, I'm her slave. We do things behind her boyfriend's back but at the end of the day, she goes home with him.

Who do you people think you are?! What give you all the right to treat people this way?!!! WHY CAN'T I JUST LOVE SOMEONE AND BE WITH THEM HUH?!?!! WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY?!!! WHY AM I NEVER WITH THE PERSON I LOVE?!! WHY THE FUCK AM I THE GOD DAMNED ONE????!!!!! WHY COULDN'T IT BE YOU! OR HER! OR THEM! WHY ME?!?!?!?!

WHY!!!


WHY!!!


WHY!!!!!

I......
I want something different for my birthday: I want a new life. And if I can't have a new life... I want this one to end.


I've run out of words.......

I've.....

I've....

[Note: The above is not to be taken too literally. As with all my entries this is a depiction of emotional release without the regard for morality or reality. i.e. I'm not planning on killing anyone. Thank you.]

Song: Guardian

I'm sorry for what i did,
I didn't mean to cause you pain.
And if all I am is misery,
Well I'm sorry for being me.

But I can't help how I feel,
I can't help feeling that I love you.
And if I didn't feel this way,
I don't think I'd make it through the day.

So won't you turn around?
And find your way back into my arms.
I'll be your heart scarred broken guardian,
If you will be my only one.

I wish I had more time,
To say what was really on my mind.
But now I see that i'm too late,
and there's nothing left to relate.

But I can't help how I feel,
I can't help feeling that I love you.
And if I didn't feel this way,
I don't think I'd make it through the day.

So won't you turn around?
And find your way back into my arms.
I'll be your heart scarred broken guardian,
If you will be my only one.

And I know I've done you wrong,
and can't make things right with just a song.
But I hope by the time this ends,
We can doing what it takes to make this right again.

Cause I can't help how I feel,
I can't help feeling that I love you.
And if I didn't feel this way,
I don't think I'd make it through the day.

So wont you turn around?
And turn that frown upside down?
Find it in your heart to move along?
Cause you know I'll be your only one.

Yeah so won't you turn around?
And find your way back into my arms.
I'll be your heart scarred broken guardian,
If you will be my only one.

Truth Within Truth

People do stupid things. I know because I do a lot of them. However, none have been more prevalent that my latest endeavor. Why did I have to be so fucking… human? Why couldn’t I have just believed her when she told me what she did and left it at that? No, I had to go prove her wrong. I had to put our friendship at risk just to find the answer to a puzzle that did not even need to be solved. But that’s what I do, I solve puzzles. And in trying to solve this one, I lost a piece of the puzzle that was my heart, and I fear I shall never regain it.
There are four sides to every human being. I will speak of two today. The side you show the world and the side you show to no other living soul. Each side has their own idea of truth. The side you show the world has its version of the truth. The side you show no one, that side of you that you bury deep down and pray no one ever even gets a glimpse, it holds the truth within the truth.
The truth is that I had to know. I had to find out if what she was telling me was true or not, no matter what the cost, because that’s who I am. I’m a soul split between the logical and the irrational. The latter side of me would believe anything she tells me. If she told me the world was flat I’d believe. The former however, needs proof. Things need to be justified before it can accept anything it is given to believe. The truth within the truth is that I was hoping that by confronting her with this she’d hate me for it and never talk to me again.
Why would I want such a thing? Because the truth within the truth is that I am completely and unequivocally in love with her. There is not a day that goes by that she is not in my every thought and action. If she only knew what she does to me...
Truth within the truth is also that I am a very selfish person and the idea of Just being her friend tears my soul to pieces. The knowledge of that being all I’ll ever be in her eyes makes my heart scream in pain. I’d prefer if she hated me, at least then there would be a stronger emotional link that just friendship. Hate and love are two sides of the same coin after all.
She will never trust me again, and she will never look at me the same. She will smile, but behind the smile she will only think of how I betrayed her and broke the only bond of friendship she knew she could count on. But that’s ok, because at the end of the day, it was better this way. For if nothing else, at least I wouldn’t have to go through this hurt every day, and she wouldn't be putting her trust in someone that isn't worth trusting.

What You Do to Me

I feel it tearing at me again. So freshly grown this heart is yet already it reaches out for yet another unreachable heart. I try to suppress it but it already knows what it wants and it pursues it without a moment’s hesitation. Can it not listen to reason for once? Of all the hearts to come before, this is truly the most difficult. There are hurdles here that are in place by the very laws of nature. Walking on water would be an easier feat than getting over these barriers.
I can’t blame it though, after all, she is quite… perfect. She knows how to take one’s breath away with the smallest smile. And those eyes… those eyes. What words are there for them? I draw a blank. But, she feels nothing for me. And no matter what I do or what I say, I will always remain in her mind and in her words as something far less than even the word ‘friend’.
What would it take for her to be mine? She looks me in the eye and asks me, “What do you want?” Doesn’t she realize? Doesn’t she realize that what I want is staring right back at me? And doesn’t she know that when she speaks of suicide is makes me want to die? Because I know that if she could only let me hold her in my arms she’d be safe from the world.
With you I feel like I can do anything. I feel strong, confident and true. I feel as though I could hold off an army if their goal was to hurt you. For you I’d risk it all, even if all you give me in return is that smile on your face. It’s what you do to me.

Oh, it’s what you do to me.
Oh, it’s what you do to me.
Oh, it’s what you do to me.
What you do to me.
What you do to me.
---Plain White Ts – Hey There Delilah---

The Forgotten

They were right. My friends knew, like I knew that this would happen. It was scraping in the back of my mind but I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to believe she could discard me so easily. Yet here I am so many days later and not a word, phone call, or message. What an unfair playing field this is: She says she is uncertain of her feelings. She says she loves us both yet while he gets to see her every day, talk to her on the phone every night and enjoys the approval of her parents, I don’t even get a word in edgewise. This is no battle, the winner was already chosen.
The whole world is against me. And as I stare through the hundreds of people between her and me, I realize that she’s not even waiting to see the outcome: she is already walking away. She walks away with him with that smile on his that looks menacingly back at me saying “I win, you lose.”
And with that I turn around and walk away myself. I’ve lost. Not for a lack of trying, but simply because she never wanted to me to win in the first place. She had no faith in me. So I will do the best thing I can to move on with my life. I will forget her.
I will suppress her memory to the point where her very name brings a puzzled look to my face as I try hard to put a face to it. In the list of names of people I have loved and lost, her name will not appear. Her story will never be told again and I will deny ever meeting such a person. She will be forever forgotten, but never forgiven. That is her punishment.

You!
For all the hate I feel,
I blame you!
For all the jealousy,
I blame you!
For this hypocrisy,
I blame you!
---God's Debris - I Blame You---

I Blame You

I don’t think I can recall a day before this one that I woke up and really and Truly believed that my life would end before the clock struck midnight. For the last five months I’ve been struggling to hold my sanity with all that goes on around me. But now at the end of this day I find that all the things I have put my heart, soul, blood, sweat and tears into are falling apart.
My job is becoming more and more difficult. Every day a new problem arises and trying to keep up with it is stretching me so thin that I’ve missed two weeks of school and am now on the brink of failing because the project I need to do to pass I have not even started.
For all the time, effort and money I put into my band I don’t feel as though I am getting my just rewards. At the end of the day my band mates still don’t feel I do enough and when I’m exhausted from all the things I have to do, they call me lazy.
And to top it all off, the person whose hand I held onto as I dangled over the seas of destruction let go of me today. All because of a rich bitch fucking spoilt bastard with no respect for the sanctity of others’ relationship came waltzing into her life flashing his money and attention that straddles the line of obsession. If the cunt didn’t live five minutes away from her I’m sure that he seeing her three times a day would not be a reality.
But it’s ok, I saw it coming. After all I’m never wrong. I knew she was weak minded and easily swayed. I knew all it took was a guy with a little bit more money and time on his hands to make her say good bye. And for all her ‘genuine’ reasons for wanting to end our relationship I know she knows that the reality is that she was cheating on me from the moment he looked into her eyes and she didn’t turn away.
I hate her… she did to me what she said she never would. She said she’d never let me go. But look at me now, as I fall head long into the seas of sorrow. I blame you! It’s your fault! And I hope that every time your lips touch his that you remember the price you paid for it. My blood is on your hands.

(8)And MAAAYBEEEEE!!!!
That’s the price of playing safe!!!
And MAAAYBEEEEE!!!!
That will be my last mistake!!!

Words vs. Angry Feelings

Heh, got this comment from a girl who thought the post "Words" was about her. Perfect example of my potential cruelty. Oh and I normally read "P.S."s before actual letters so that's why the P.S. is the way it is.

"What in any normal human stste of mind would prompt you to write something like this? Enlighten me!

What kind of sick mind game are you playing in this lifetime? Who the hell do you think you are Khalel? If reading your blogs is indeed a reflection of who you really are, that inner you, then seriously you are the one that needs to go to St. Anns!

"you cannot help what you feel" Oh please! Everyone has a choice, if you cannot help what you do not feel say so upfront! Don't Deceive!!!!! How can you be honest, when you know what you really are-- a cruel son of a gun! Only thinking of yourself!!!! your poor sorry self!!!!!!! You are totally devoid of a conscience or soul! Are you? Are you not human? Or has your past made you something else?

Furthermore, what does it really mean to you to voice three 'supposedly' important words to a person? Does it really have true meaning? Ofcourse it has true meaning! You do not dare voice those words to someone unless they are filled with feelings--feelings of trust, compassion, caring and integrity! Or for you, is it simply another line that the recipient wants to hear? As they say 'just words' empty words to achieve a sick selfish motive- because you don't want to be alone? Alone? Aren't you alone even then? Even though someone feels that way about you? Think about it. What's the point if you don't feel the same way? Isn't it a one-man show?

do you use everyone that comes into your life as a balm to salve your still festering wounds of unrequited love? You are pathethic! You do not deserve the friendship or love of anyone! Grow up and stop wallowing in your self pity! Crap happens- c'est la vie! Move on! It is not all about YOU!! There are real people that you hurt, but I guess in your sick perversed state of mind, it really doesn't matter because guess what? It's all about You and your sad sorry self!

I'll admit one thing, you are damn good at keeping up a farce!!i am impressed! Man, you are definitely a spin doctor! Maybe that's your purpose in life, who knows? A rather awful purpose if you ask me! Because we determine our own destiny.

P.S. Reading this first as usual? You of all persons would understand that when we write our feelings and thoughts in blogs it is a means of venting or merely expressing our TRUE INNER feelings in an exaggerated way."

Words

Those words, they tear at me. Please, don’t say them again. I don’t deserve them. I’m worth neither that look in your eye nor that smile on your face. I am but a cruel boy in a decent man’s clothing looking only to break the silence in my head with anything or anyone that would scream my name.
Your tears: don’t let them fall. I won’t appreciate them. The sound of their crash rings silent in my ears. I’m not trying to be cruel, but I cannot help what I do not feel. I can’t help but see you as just another broken heart whose shatter is pending my farewell.
Your sorrow: don’t let it eat away at you. Don’t let my mistakes be your undoing. Don’t let my bitter hatred to all those who dare get close twist you into a hard shell with nothing inside but a desire not to be hurt again.
But most of all, don’t say those words to me again. Those three simple words that do nothing more than make the blow graver when it comes… And it is sure to come.

Mind and Body

Have you ever felt so strongly for someone that your entire body wanted to let them know how you felt? The only exception to that rule is your mind, that doesn’t want you to tell because the situation just does not allow for it. So what starts to happen is that your mind and body start to fight for what they each want and what you get it situation like the one I’m about to describe:

While chatting with a girl I love very much, I tried to tell her goodnight, but while my mind was trying to tell my fingers to type ‘goodnight’ they instead typed ‘I’ll love you always’, which would have been a disaster if I wasn’t one to read my messages before sending them.

*sigh*

Why couldn’t life be as simple as the one you were meant for being the one that was meant for you and every “I love you” was followed by an “I love you too.” Maybe then things wouldn’t be this confusing and I wouldn’t have to live in fear of things like, “I just don’t feel that way about you” or “I already have someone.”
And if only people were transparent enough for you to know exactly how they felt about you before you put your heart on the line, then maybe I wouldn’t have to be crushed so often and to face things like, “but we can still be friends.”
However, if people really were that transparent then she could see into me too and that would be bad. Right now, her blindness is the only saving grace in this mess. And if you always knew how people felt before you told them how you felt, and you never have to put your heart on the line, then you’re not give that love all it deserves. A love not worth risking is no love at all.
Well, I know how I feel; now all I need to do is figure out how to get my mind to say it right, before my body says it wrong.

Burdens

This weight; it’s too much for me to bear. What makes them think someone like me can carry so much? Must I sacrifice all the things that make me happy just to make others happy? No, it’s not fair. Still I cannot refuse, for my reasons would be selfish, and it isn’t in me to be selfish.
Now I feel frozen in place. No, it’s just the weight, it prevents me from moving. Now they become angry because I do not move. It doesn’t matter, because even if I did move, it would be too slow for them. So I just stay still, letting the weight snap away my spin piece by piece till I’m no more.
I could just drop it all, but then what guilt would there be left to lay on them when their burdens have killed me?